A Dad's Story | Too much thought on future ruined the present

Well, hope all you wonderful fathers, sons & all of you read this at the best of your health.

Stuff I am writing now is not my personal experience but it is something that had happened with a guy (who is my friend now) whom I met in Toronto, Canada. This is a bit long story but please make sure that you read the entire story. I am sure that you will learn some meaningful lessons for life.

His name was Darniel, aged around 65. He had a wife and 3 children. Wife was Elena and children were David, Edgar & Eliza. He was from an average family, had a nuclear family and till he got retired he was the sole earning member. He had his own struggle stories of youth where he had to do various small jobs to earn a living, but later after his marriage with Elena he had settled himself at a small garment factory where he was a supervisor.

He said various things about his life but he had emphasized on his second child "Edgar" a lot. He said my boy David is at Ontario & Eliza is married at Ontario. But when he started saying about Edgar ha had a story to tell. He started saying that Edgar was the most enthusiastic and ambitious child of mine. From here on I will narrate it as per the story Darniel Said:

Edgar, my second child was the heart of my home. It was my pure luck after he was born and my life started taking a different meaning. Whatever I did was a success and my promotions started happening in leaps and bounds. I still remember when I bought him a bicycle on his 7th birthday. He was so thrilled that, all the day long he would roam on that cycle and he started learning a pilion drive (double seat) so that he could drop me to my work place (My work place was hardly 15 minutes walk from my home).

After 3 years when he had crossed his 10th birthday, I saw a spark in his behavior. He had been observing the gold shop near our house. And one night he came to me and said dad, why don't you invest in Gold. I was shocked hearing a 10 year old talking about investments, but that day I realized that he has got a foresighted brain. I followed his advice, I started investing small part of my salary in Gold.

Days passed by, Edgar grew and finished his studies. He was an average student academically but was very sharp. He understood traits of life and had his own path. He was so anxious to know more and more things. Everyday he used to maintain a diary and most of the part filled was what he learnt today and what he plans to learn the next day.

It was almost 12 years that I was investing in Gold based on Eager's advice and I had a saving of 14 gold blocks now, not very huge but I was satisfied that I had saved enough so that I can live after my retirement as well as it would be useful for my children in their future as well.

It was my 52nd year and I was ready to get my little angel Eliza married. I had some cash and then I had my Gold Blocks, courtesy Edgar's advice. I sold 4 Gold blocks to get my princess married.

By this time Edgar was almost 24 and he was ready to rock and roll his career. As he grew to this level, he was no more innocent, he always had money in his mind and had ambitions to be very successful & rich guy. I would not say he was wrong, it was probably because he had seen me struggling in my earlier days and he wanted to make sure that he is capable of taking care of his parents and the expected family of his. He started trying for various options to earn money, obviously all of them were legal.

By this time my elder son David also married Suzzana and got settled at Ontario as he worked over there. And one relief was Eliza was also at Ontario, so she had somebody to rely on as well.

Then this day came in my life. Edgar had realized that to grow big in life he has to do something on his own and working for somebody else will never help him to get big. One Saturday night both of us along with Elena, we were having a round of scotch. During the conversation, he asked Dad can we sell the 5 Gold Blocks out of your saving, even after selling that we will be left with 5 more. This will help me in starting a business as well as we would be secured that we have 5 Gold coins left for our future.

I was startled. In one shot I said no chance that I would sell the Gold blocks. There were 2 reasons for saying this, first I was uncomfortable selling my life long savings that had appreciated well in the last 15-16 years and second was I wanted to make sure that these Gold blocks are there as an investment throughout my life. He argued with me saying that this has appreciated now and we should use this partially for creating a good life now and remaining will be there for future. I was completely adamant and rejected it completely. One more concern was that, I thought if I sell my Gold Blocks my society people will feel that I am getting poor so I sold my savings.

That talk ended badly that night and my relationship with Edgar soured a bit. We were on talking terms but not the way we used to, there was a distance now.

But Edgar was stubborn on his decision of starting something on his own and he had a garment shop in mind, as he had seen me working there and had a clear understanding of how it works. He started working double shifts to earn more money. On holidays he also did his part time job. He was earning more for sure, but then I was concerned about his health.

We talked about his marriage as he was almost 27 at that time, he bluntly said I have to grow big in life, be financially stable and then I will get married. Though we pushed him a lot but he was focused on getting his vision first. At that point I thought should I give him 5 Gold blocks, but restricted myself thinking that he would probably waste all my savings.

It was April, I had retired and Edgar was almost 33. He worked hard to gather finances for his business, he had saved a bit but most of the times his money used to get consumed in family affairs and then he had slog more for getting his objective achieved.

On April 7th 2009, Edgar complained of a small toothache and chest pain last night. But then he took some pain killers and slept off. On 7th morning he got dressed up and was ready for work. He hugged his mom, Elena as he does everyday and said "Bye Dad". Then around 12 noon we get a call from his work place and asked us to rush to his work place. We reached there and found Edgar sleeping on a couch. We rushed to him and asked what happened Edgar, are you alright ? He didn't reply, his colleague Rachael came to Elena, hugged her and said Edgar is no more, he got a cardiac arrest and passed away within 10 minutes of the attack. they informed that he was under a lot of stress since last couple of weeks and was tensed as he was not able to gather pro. I was dumbstruck, was not able to cry, was not able to talk, I was just standing there remembering my son's last words "Bye Dad", never thought it would be his final "Bye".

After his funeral ceremony, I came back home and opened my wardrobe to change. I happened to open the locker and saw Gold Blocks. I was upset and angry at seeing it. My son slogged just because I didn't give those bloody 5 Gold Blocks. Now what is that saving for when  don't have my son with me. He was the guy who had said to invest in Gold and when he needed it I didn't give it to him. I wanted to be a good father but thinking about my past, about the society and other factors I rejected his request. Now I live with this guilt for the rest of my life that my son left us because of my stubbornness, selfishness about my image in the society and thinking too much for the future.


Ok guys, Nick here. Well I was moved by this story of Darniel. But along with it I learnt some lessons for life:

  • Think about future but also make sure that your present is good
  • If you have decent savings then allocate some for the present and allocate some for the future
  • Don't think about society in these matters, nobody is going to be there with you, only your children will be with you
  • Yes, you should make your children responsible, but if you can help in making them financially stable with your savings you should definitely do it. I don't recommend wasting your savings by selling it off for their materialistic needs like a vehicle or a foreign trip but if you can help them in getting off their liabilities, investing in a small business that could get appropriate returns, buy properties or make your savings earn your recurring income, then you should definitely do it.
  • When you allocate your investment make sure that that you don't wipe off all your savings, my advice would be it should not exceed more than 50% of your investment.
  • Make sure that your children doesn't have the grudge that you had money but it was of no use when they actually required it for their practical and logical needs
  • Last, people are more important than money, so make sure that you give second priority to money and give first priority in setting your family stress-free.
Hope the real story of Darniel helps you in taking decisions of your own, always remember, for taking meaningful emotionally practical decisions it is always "Better Late than Never"

God Bless !


Father Son relationship at various stages of life

Every relation in life is crucial and takes its own course of development. Within a family, four relationships that count most are Husband-Wife Relationship, Mother-Children Relationship, Sibling Relationship and Father-Children Relationship. A Father-Children relationship is easier if it is a Father- Daughter duo because there is gentleness and care but the Father- Son relationship is a little crucial because the relationship is not very vocal. Though it is very important to make a father-son relationship work, most of the people do not understand the right way to handle this relationship.

Relationship Between Dad & Son

Father-Kid Relationship
The foundation stone of a relationship should always be solid and concrete. The same philosophy is applicable to the Father- Kid relationship. As it is very easy to connect emotionally with a kid, a father must start working on the relationship when a kid is small. Sweet gestures like cuddling and taking out for a dinner mean a lot to a small kid. A father- son relationship is very different from a mother-son relationship of care and tenderness; it is more like teaching the practicalities of life and preparing a son to face the real world.

Father-Adolescent Relationship
At the adolescent stage, life becomes a little different for a guy. As now everything can't be discussed with his dear momma, he is in constant search of a companion who is a confidante as well as a good advisor. If a father develops his bonding with his son in a manner that he could easily discuss his life with his father, it becomes comparatively easier for an adolescent son to grow up. Also, as the foundation of life at this stage becomes the practical ground of future, at this stage it is very important for a father to put forth an ideal example before his son.

Father-Adult Relationship 
Though life becomes comparatively easier to handle when both the people are mature enough to understand the relationship, a Father- Adult Relation also requires a little of effort to be carried successfully. When a son grows up, the role of father and son in the relationship are switched, now it is the son who has to be become the nurturer of the relationship.  It is now a son's responsibility to reciprocate the love, care and kindness his father has bestowed upon him all his life.

Base source: http://festivals.iloveindia.com/fathers-day/father-son-relationship.html

Life after Son's marriage

Son's marriage is definitely a dream of every father, it was mine too and my son got married to a beautiful girl and they are happy together with 2 children.

Son's marriage is one of the most cherishable moment in a father's life. With lot of expectations and happiness that your little baby is now a grown up who is all set to take up family responsibilities. A happiness filled moment with lots of guests, visitors, good food, crackers, dancing, drinks & smiles all over.

But for every father , there are some changes you should definitely be prepared after your son's marriage. Some of them are listed below:

1. Set your son & daughter-in-law free:

You might think that I never held them with a lot of restrictions. No I didn't mean that. What I meant was, now your son needs to be a MAN. He is responsible for a family and a girl has trusted him and come to his life. Most of the fathers feel that they should protect their son & help them to live and they insist them to live life together. THIS IS THE BIG MISTAKE THEY DO. You should always protect your son, you should always be there for him but to the extent possible make sure that your son & daughter-in-law is living a separate life at a separate place.

There are reasons why I say this, primarily because your son should learn to live life independantly. He should learn to manage finances independantly, he should learn to manage a family independantly as you did. If you are together with him he would always be relaxed that if anything goes wrong Dad is always there. No -- This is a wrong attitude. This would not take him anywhere. One fine day if he realises that his Dad is not there with him he will just lose his balance & his life would be wrecked completely. So its better to ask him to live his life independantly without you & your wife i.e. his mother. You can always help him take a house but dont make him dependant. I suggest every couple should start life independantly, living different from parents, learning good things from them and making a succesfull married life.

2. Interferences might occur & can create indifferences

Remember, you & your wife and your son & his wife both are different families in itself now. Though you belong to same family but if you look at it in a microscopic way they are different. Both the familes / couples might be having different thoughts and there would definitely be a generation gap, this is what creates INDIFFERENCES. The difference in thought wave-length creates tensions. This starts with small issues like your children coming late, not like the food, not liking your way of living, not liking your habits and this would grow to a stage where there can be a permanent split. So its better to lead a different life from the day of your son's marriage. And you might agree with me that a relation with a distance is always a happy relation. Here you can be rest assured that both (yours & your son's) life is not mixed and none of you have to adjust with each other. No interferences & No arguments - Life happy. There might be issues with your son & his wife but let them sort it out between themselves, that is the only way they will learn to live life. Because there is no life without problems. Separtions & living different are things that might hurt a bit at the initial stage but think about the long term. Long term happiness in the complete family is very important, not a big thing if you have to live differently as two families to be part of one BIG HAPPY FAMILY.

3. Never think that I can manage it.

After reading the above things you might think your family is not like that & you can manage it, my word would be a big NO. Please dont try to do that, doing that would create a lot of issues that would lead to disrespect of everybody and it will ultimatey result in an inefficient son who cannot manage things on his own. It's your responsibility to make him responsible.

I think I am much older than most of you reading this blog as on today I am in my 77th year, so I have my own experiences & a lot of other people's experience. Luckily my father started this culture of living separately and I followed it. We are a very happy family now. We meet once ina a week or once in a month, spend some good time together and move ahead to live our own independant life. Me & my wife are very happy that our son is leading a happy family life and happy as he has become responsible towards life. He understands his priority & acts accordingly. Lastly, never expect that your children will help, save enough for your old age. My son does help and if your son helps then you are lucky, but dont expect. I have seen people who depend on son and gets devasted.

Once your son is self dependant and started his life, its your time to enjoy. Go on vacations with your wife and enjoy life. You have worked hard to bring your son to this stage and now you shouldn't bother -- Let him live his life. Now its his time to think of responsibilities and for you its party time. You and your wife might have done a lot , sacrificed a lot but its not needed anymore -- Realise your dreams as they say -- ITS BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

I say it again, be the best protector of your son, best teacher of your son & best guardian - but don't make him IRRESPONSIBLE. Life is a beautiful journey let him walk through it on his own. You have to help him to stand, which I am sure all of you have did, now let him walk and achieve the rest. If something goes wrong he will definitely come to you & you should help but don't make him handicapped by being with him always.

For smoking Dads

This post is typically for fathers who are chain smokers and cant even resist smoking at home.

Smoking is highly addictive I say this because even I am addicted. There are some basic rules / self discipline to be followed that would help yourselves improve your self respect and would gain others respect too.

Tips for smokers:
  • First and very important rule - NEVER EVER SMOKE IN FRONT OF LADIES - This could be anybody your daughter, your friends (female), your daughter-in-law, your wife (If she doesnt like it), your mother or any other female. Females are very allergic to smoke and get irritated / uncomfortable when you smoke. The smoke definitely creates congestion & suffocation and people (women especially) get restless in such environments. This should be followed as a rule of thumb. Following this would mean that you definitely respect women and that you are a decent person. This habit would always be appreciated by your family as well as friends.
  • Avoid smoking at your residence. House cannot be a home until and unless you strive to make it. Every member of your family come here to relax and relieve the day-long stress, if you practice smoking at your home then this would add to the stress they undergo during the day. They would feel uncomfortable and try to be away from you and smoking at home results in continuous pungent smell gets created and effects each and every visitor to your house which creates a worst impression. If you are very addicted to smoking and can't resist, then be sure you are smoking at an open space, either a balcony or an open terrace (if you have one at your house). You should definitely follow this if you have daughters / daughter-in-law at your house or even younger boys. They will never ever disclose their discomfort as they love you and might feel that you may feel bad if they tell it directly. So you are responsible for giving that love back to them. Earning household income is not sufficient but you are the only one responsible for making your house a beautiful place to live. Your famile members love you so you should definitely give more than that by making them comfortable by making the living area smokefree and comfortable. This habit kills you slowly and also your family members. Your wife & children could be tolerating but that doesn't mean you should take everything for granted. Its your right to live as you wish at a place which you have bought but by smoking at home you are not living but dieing and that too not alone but along with your family. If you observe closely, you restrict yourselves from smoking at banned places like offices / public places, this is because there is a mandatory clause to it. So if you can follow these rules then definitely you should create a rule for yourselves that would act against smoking at home. This might be tough if you are used to smoking at frequent intervals but you should also think of other who are residing with you. As explained above you can smoke at open places within your house.
  • Never smoke in front of your children. Children, especially boys, tend to make their father as a role model and they love to do everything that his father does. So smoking in front of them would definitely create an impression that smoking is a man's job which in reality isn't. Smoking is always bad, but if you are addicted then make sure you are not smoking in fornt of your children.
  • Never smoke in confined spaces. Smoking in confined spaces would make the environment uncomfortable and create suffocation among others within the space.

Above are some of the tips for smokers, follow this and your are definiteky going to make your house and surroundings a better place to live.

One last tip to all smokers out there "Stop Smoking"

Father Son Relationship | Child - Father relationship

The below article by Wendy Pan puts a detailed insight to father's responsibility in bringing up a child. Read on and get few tips for becomng a good, responsible father.

Child Father Relationship - Strong Family Bonds Are Important
By Wendy Pan

The child father relationship is one that has been receiving progressively more attention over the last few decades. While traditional wisdom and research studies focused on mother child relationships as the most important, the recent research suggests the relationship between fathers and their children is significantly more important than previously believed.

The child father relationship is one that is fundamentally important to the developmental progress of a child. The impact that a father has on a child begins while the child is still a baby. The play that a father engages in, which tends to be more physical and spontaneous, contributes to healthy brain development in infants.
By the time infants grow into small children, the role of play that a father engages in with the child takes on broader meaning and value. At this stage, the play takes on the role of teaching children problem solving, exploring limits, and goal oriented behavior. This is also a stage when fathers begin to help children learn to limit emotional outbursts and develop empathy through emotional involvement and modeling the appropriate behaviors.

Fathers have a profound impact on their school age children. At this stage, fathers help their children to learn to assume responsibility, encourage taking on challenges, and help to direct moral development. The father may wield more power to help or hinder their child at this point of development than any other.
The child father relationship changes during adolescence. The role of the father at this point is more passive than in previous times during the aging process of their children. Rather than engaging in teaching roles, or encouraging skill development, the father takes on a more advisory role. His task, as it were, is to be more an adviser and friend. The child will be more focused on the mother child relationship but still seek out the father for advice or reassurance about decision making, advice about managing personalities in their lives, and for simple time spent together.

The absence of a father can be a profound problem. In the lives of children who had absent fathers they tend to be more prone to be unable to form healthy, emotionally intimate relationships with their peers. There is significantly greater risk of drug abuse, smoking, alcohol abuse and other risk-seeking behaviors. There also tends to be problems managing social situations requiring empathy. Over their educational careers, children with poor or non-existent relationships with their fathers tended to have worse academic achievement than their peers with positive relationships with their fathers.

The effects of the child father relationship reaches far into adulthood. Those with positive relationships with their fathers tend to be more likely to be in intimate relationships and have fewer problems developing healthy, physically intimate relationships. Those with poor relationships with their fathers tend to be less likely to be involved in relationships, have more difficulty maintaining them, and demonstrate significantly more trouble in adapting to changing social circumstances.

Wendy Pan is an accomplished niche website developer and author.
To learn more about
child father relationship, please visit You & Your Child's Relationship Today for current articles and discussions.

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A father's perspective

Father, a relation that bought you into existence. I intend to write few incidents which might be common to everybody. Common things that creates a gap between a father & son and common solutions that can solve petty issues that might seem to be a big problem.

Some of them are:
Generation Gap
Friend circle
Girl friend
... and many more.

Hope this blog would be useful for all fathers & sons

Keep reading
You are invited to write your own thoughts about parenthood / father-son relationship. We can post it over here (subject to editorial guidelines). Please mail your posts / articles to lovelysolutions@gmail.com